Navigating Large Gatherings this Holiday

And keeping your food principles in tact.

Welcome to Raw Milk Mama, a newsletter about food freedom, our food systems, and how to create local food security in our communities. Sign up here for weekly posts, or keep reading...

---

Photo credit Jed Owen

Many of us face the uncomfortable situation during the holidays–or any time during the year–of family members with different world views than our own.

The world feels messy right now. For the sake of this conversation, let’s focus on FOOD worldviews.

It can feel like an obstacle course getting through the eating part (never mind the conversations these days!)

Thanksgiving is a mere 10 days away.

How do you navigate all the food options during the holiday season? And how do you step around people’s feelings? For the most part, our food choices are connected to deep emotional roots. Sometimes not eating a certain dish can feel like a slap for Aunt Gertrude and you don’t mean that!

Then, there is everyone and their particular “diet.” Half the table won’t eat the turkey, and the other half won’t eat any of the sides.

It seems as though all big meals these days need to have all these options:

• Raw vegan

• Paleo

• Keto

• Gluten free

• Soy free

• Sugar free

• Fat free

The only way to get everyone having the same thing is to sit around drinking a glass of water. That just doesn’t have the same appeal as a big ol’ fancy meal and full bellies.

Where does that leave us?

For more than 25 years, I’ve been the “different” one. First as a vegetarian because I wouldn’t participate in the conventional animal farming system and I didn’t know there was another option. As I grew and learned, I learned to eat primarily locally and seasonally, sourcing most of my family’s calories from local farms that treated animals humanely.

Along the way, I’ve learned a few tips for fitting in at large gatherings without compromising on principles–especially with children.

Thankfully, my immediate family seems to mostly agree on our food choices. While my mom and I put the most effort into sourcing clean, healthy food for our large family gatherings (thanks Mom), our other family members enjoy it and appreciate it.

Here are my 8 top tips from navigating this path for 25+ years. And helping many others as well.

1. Find the common ground, yet honor the differences.

It really helps to figure out the foods you all have in common. It’s a starting point. When you find what you have in common with others, it creates a shared experience. Maybe someone else is from the same geographical area and you have shared memories of food growing up. If you’re bringing anything for the meal, then it helps to ask ahead if there is anything people aren’t eating or anything they like right now. This also sets the stage for respect–you respect what they want and don’t want, and you’re subtly signaling for that same respect from them.

2. Stick to the highest quality you can.

It’s a principle. Just because they might not emphasize the effort that goes into high quality doesn’t mean that it's not important. This sets the stage for the integrity you are bringing to the gathering as well. And it shows people that they matter.

3. Appreciate everything you can.

Compliment, compliment compliment. Genuinely. This goes a long way. Perhaps the whole table is filled with things that came out of a box or can. But if the tablecloth is pretty, comment on that. Or maybe the drink is a special punch that has been in the family tradition for 50+ years. Compliment their legacy. Find what you can truly appreciate about the gathering and let those who put effort into that know that you appreciate that effort. As Buddha says “When words are both true and kind, they can change the world.” (Or maybe a family gathering)

4. Ask for recipes, rather than “what’s in it?”

I’ve had to navigate potential allergens and migraine triggers for years. I’ve put my foot in my mouth many times when I’ve asked “what’s in it?” after being offered something at a big gathering. Uh oh. After a few side eyes from older relatives or guests, I learned to preemptively ask for recipes. “Oh that looks really good, can you share the recipe?” Chances are, they will go into great detail and, if there is a potential allergen in it or an unwelcome ingredient, that will come out in the description. But give this time, sometimes they grasp the opportunity to share their recipe.

5. Say “no thank you” with a smile. 100 times if you need to.

This one I got from my “Southern kin.” My grandmother’s family is from the south. Hearing some of my extended family, in their thick Southern drawl, repeat “Aw, noooo thaaaaank you.” and then flash a wickedly sweet grin, gave me the strategy to muster all the Southern drawl left in my Murland slur and just say “No thank you.” And then keep my mouth shut.

6. If there is something YOU want for yourself or your family, bring it.

There are some gatherings I like to bring things to so my family will know that there is something familiar there based on our healthy eating principles. Whether it is a nice cheese platter with crackers, or a side dish, it can make all the difference for you to bring what you KNOW your family will eat.

7. Prep the kiddos ahead of time–feed them if you need to. (And yourself too)

I’ve done this many times. If we know we’re going to a gathering that is unlikely to have clean, healthy food, I’ll make the children something right before we leave that I know they like and will eat a lot of. This was especially important when they were little. And vital when there would be so many lovely, sugary temptations at the gathering. I would be sure to give them plenty before we left and make it something that I knew they loved so they would eat it.

8. Be ready to change the subject.

Sometimes “No thank you” doesn’t work for pushy relatives. And sometimes, the pressure or guilt are there regardless of what you say or do. The room is thick with expectations. Not every subject change has to be about the weather. Think of a few other GREAT (not controversial) topics you can bring up. Perhaps ask them “how are your children/spouse/pet?” “What is the highlight of your day so far?” “What’s your favorite memory with grandma?” “Did you do anything exciting this week?” “What is your favorite type of tree?” You get the idea…. Changing the subject is a great way to not get stuck on talking about excess corn syrup in the pecan pie and that’s why you won’t be eating any this year.

Good luck on your holiday gatherings.

They’re tough for many, but you’ve got this.

What have you found that works for you in these situations?

Please share!

---

About Raw Milk Mama: I believe in the freedom to feed our families how we see fit. I also see the direction that our country is going--no one wants to live in a world where food scarcity is a constant reality. It's time to take back our food systems so they serve us, not monopolistic corporations.